Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
