sarcasm needs its own font
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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