I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize