i jhust puked up my retainher.
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
