Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
