no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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