The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize