I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
