your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
