I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I wish i was in the wii world.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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