Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
