I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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