I wish my penis had an off switch
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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