Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
