Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Less talking, more tequila
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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