woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Can I color on your dick again?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
