Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
