i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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