and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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