Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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