It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
