Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
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