Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
