i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I want a musical about memes.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
