i wish my penis had a tongue
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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