my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
