Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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