The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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