when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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