Small penises have feelings too.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
