I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
