The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
