Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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