Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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