the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Randomize
