went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
