We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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