you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
