I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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