just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize