Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
