his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
