Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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