Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
