She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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