My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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