I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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