if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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