Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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