you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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