last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
