I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
