does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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