I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
