I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
