Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
