nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
