Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I party with great urgency now.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
