so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
